I am so lonely, I feel like vomiting. Instead, all that comes out are tears. Its physically crippling to feel this way. Essentially, all I can see around me is the happiness of others, the good characteristics of others, etc... and yet I cannot see myself as happy, or a good person, or in any sense attractive to anyone in any way.

It feels as though there is no one outside of family willing to even notice my existence, or seek me out, or put their arm around my shoulder, or give me a compliment or anything. Yet although I received two hugs today, its simply that the hugs meant nothing as they are the type of people who hug everyone they see for no reason, which makes it all the more painful to those of us who needs someone to hug exclusively.

I'm just so confused as to what to think anymore. I often hear myself saying "Leave me alone," but I have no idea of who I refer to, or why I would want to be alone when I want affection so bad. Perhaps I simply cannot differentiate between who will be good for me and who will simply hurt me more, so I block everyone out.

I don't get it, either. I am polite, yet for some reason I feel that works against me. Do I come off as gay? Do I like everyone, or no one at all? I don't know, but what do know, is I'm dying inside.

Every day, this is all I think of, how desperately I need someone to love me.


P.S. I feel like spray-painting your school, Owl, when I learned of what happened. I am honestly super-pissed about that because I know personally how good you are at basketball.